A sister's love.
Please take a minute to read - a beautiful writing by my 妹妹 on my late 哥哥. It was raw & painful to read, let alone to write. But his big heart needs to be commemorated and shared.
Each point depicted a clear memory on why we had the best brother on Earth. Confirmed guarentee chopped the best! (I'll skip the "best in Sg
and Jb" cliche)
A piece I wished I had the courage to write. 2 years in, my draft is still some where, unfinished.
Misses.
#apainfulbutnecessarypost #longestpostbymysis #probmostwellwritten#cusfromtheheart
This had been sitting in my draft since the 3-days vigil and I haven't got the courage to continue drafting it.
Truth to be told, it's so hard coming to terms that kor is no longer around. Seeing pictures of him, or the conversations we had, brings me back to the fact, that I've been denying. It's equally tough to walk pass his empty room everyday... & I miss him most whenever I wanted to buy chocolate(y) stuff home, only to realize no one is home to enjoy all this goodness with me anymore.
To kor, I'm his "Little Sister", somedays he calls me the "Chocolate Fairy".
//
"哥哥!!!" I'll proclaim excitedly whenever I see him at home, always come a reply in the same tone, "妹妹!!!".
My brother played such an important role in my life. He was a pillar of strength; always encouraging, yet impartial enough to tell me straight if whatever I'm doing is stupid.
He was generous; with his hugs, words, practically everything. He didn't have much, but he gave us whatever he can.
He shared the goodness. Whenever I gave him things, he will return me a few asking me to have it too. And would hand me a few more "pass to your sister"... even when he enjoys it as much as I do, or even more. He often tells Mom "keep it for cheryl, she likes it". Kor knows that I like the "expensive round thing", so he calls it- the macarons- though a miser when comes to spending on food, he would always ask "you want?".
Though 16 years older than me, coming from different "times" and having a different childhood, we didn't have that cannot-communicate-or-not-close-because-he-is-so-much-older-than-me issue. You'll wonder how he does it so well, was there even a guide on "how to be a Big Brother"; that's what made my brother special.
He's (insanely) smart, hilarious -and yet always saying that I'm easily amused each time I laughed at his (apparently not a joke-kinda) jokes and the list goes on....
He is all that I'm not; he has lots of ideas, good and creative ones (he tried exploring lots of handicrafts, and would share with us if they succeeded. He apparently tried making his own perfume, I only knew after he fell sick). He has a good ('good" is an understatement) command of English. I get a lot of "can you read more?", "how can you not know this word, go look up the dictionary" from him.
He enjoys gaming, including Pokémon Go (we downloaded the "fake app" before its official launch in Sg, and we took a walk around our block. I lost interest when it launched, but he had hella good time Pokémon hunting with my sis).
We used to go for movies (once, he brought us to Lord of The Rings, my sis and I were secretly dozing off) & car rides (we explored the roads of Singapore together when we just gotten our car).
We especially liked supermarketing, even in the wee hours, to the 24 hours Giant at Toa Payoh Central. Our last trip was an impromptu on in Dec'16, Sis and I asked kor if he wanted to join us, & I was expecting some reply along "lazy". But he agreed! And I excitedly went "yay! Siblings outing!" The whole journey prolly took 1.5 hours, 3/4 of the time rounding TPY, as my siblings were Pokémon hunting) - even when he was in the hospital, he looked forward to our next supermarketing, he said the last one was fun.
Despite my REALLY poor memory of my childhood, i remember how he would carry me from the car to home, because i would fall (or pretend to be) asleep during the ride. Also, i remember crying over something Dad said, and he told me to come over, gave me a hug, telling me it's ok.
He was such a big brother, even when he knew that he was being diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer... I remember walking into the room, and he said "I have stage 4 cancer, going to mati", bluntly he put it across because he wanted us to accept the fact. He tried so hard to help us process it and consoled us one by one... in the way he thought was best for us.
"It's good that you are crying, it shows that you are processing" he said. Then he will pull us in for a hug and said "it's ok to cry, girl, it's ok. Cry now. When I'm gone, you will be very busy with everything. You will have to take care of Mommy. Your kor kor will always look after you."
You wouldn't know how strong he is, unless you seen how hard he fought. They say not to give up hope, but trust me, kor fought with all his might; eat when he didn't feel like it, tried to pee on his own even when his bladder starts failing, more importantly, cutting down on smoking.
He was expecting to be bald, but God showed no mercy, his average span of 12 months, was significantly cut, to weeks or days. Even when the doctors decided they couldn't do anything more, he still held that little hope, that he will get better, and that chemotherapy will be possible.
Maybe he knew his body was giving up way faster than he thought it would. He was so determined to clear his room, he said "next time when I'm gone, all this will have no owner. At least now clear, you all will know what to do with it". And after clearing bits and pieces, here and there, he said "all this clear already, also don't know will stay for how long". He was preparing himself and us...
That one night, during one of his smoke breaks, seated on his wheelchair, he was having a fever, he stared afar. With a cigarette on one hand, he reached out his other skinny hand. I wondered what he wanted, only to realise he was asking for mine,
"I love you my little sister, remember that. You'll always have a big brother"
I love you too kor. I wish I told you so...
The days on where you'll not be around to watch your little sister grow... Rest assured, I'll remember your last words to me "Take charge of your life. Take care of the family. Always be kind. And find a Boyf I'll approve of."
I'll carry a part of you with me, and forever a special place in my heart is a big brother Chester Tanyeo