My part in Kor's last article

At the corner of my Desktop is a document - Nox.doc.

I created that Word doc for Kor when he was in the hospital. The Word doc stands out so prominently on my unusually c l e a n desktop.

He didn't want it at first; he said he'll just rest. But I said I'll just leave it with him in the hospital, just in case he got bored.

He wasn't familiar with the IOS. The Mac was a better choice as compared to Mom's Toshiba laptop; it was way too heavy for kor at that point.

I decluttered my desktop, and created that doc for him, and saving it as Nox. Short for Kor's pen name, Nocturne, since forever. Literally. He used that handle since he was in his teens (which we only found out recently from his friends from that era).

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Many nights, before leaving him to sleep, I would remind him that the computer is in the drawer beside the hospital bed. It'll be fully charged, on stand by for sleepless nights. I reckoned he, being a writer, would have so much to write about.

A few times, he pondered out loud; saying that he should document his journey. Which he did little by little. Mostly on the phone, which he would forward it to me to post it up on to his Facebook Page (which he made me admin of, after he fell ill).

"I don't think I'll write tonight. I'm too tired." "I didn't use it. I was too tired."

"I'll try to sleep tonight."

Many nights, his heart is willing but his flesh is weak. He ended up trying to sleep, which most nights he couldn't cause of all the noises in the ward.

He finally started writing the article on his readmission into TTSH in February 2017.

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He wrote about his first experience with the Palliative Care - the end of life care.

9 Feb 2017 - He told us about them when they visited him for the first time at TTSH. "The end of life doctors" he said.

My heart broke into a million pieces, it was like a confirmation of the ending.

"Plaintive (?) Care Drs. The end of life doctors. Came by for a long talk.

Putting me on morphine. Also informed me smoking on oxy can explode",

his exact text into our family group chat.

Mommy, Cheryl and I probably didn't know how to react. All three of us bombarded him with questions that probably made him felt worst.

Why morphine? Help with the body ache? Help with breathlessness? Why pain, is it sleeping position?

He said they were always smily. The job must be really difficult, especially if they get attached to the patient. A normal doctor would look forward to curing the patient. But patient's of the plaintive care doctors would only leave at the end.

They made him feel better though with medicine. But I guess it beats suffering.

The draft was left open for the longest time. It was left untouched when Kor was discharged.

I brought the Mac to kor again when he was at the hospice.

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One night, when it was my "shift" to accompany Kor. He suddenly mentioned about the article again. I was half asleep. Super stoned. About probably 3 or 4am. I tried to talk him into sleeping too.

I felt a little guilty for dreading. But I took out my Mac.

Kor made me read out the article word by word, and edit accordingly.

It was like Primary School oral examination all over again. My standard of English was like a kid's as compared to him.

He was less than patient when I read the words wrongly. But he was super super patient in editing his article. I read the same like a million times. We took forever to progress. Not because Kor was too weak, but that he was too NOT-WEAK. He edited the paragraph again, and again.

"No no, read from the start... Start of the previous line, not this line..." "You don't know what is a 'parole-board meeting'?", I shook my head.

No no. I'm not complaining... that night I saw his dedication in his work.

It's no wonder he takes forever to finish his work.

After two (mini) paragraphs, it was too taxing. I moved from sitting opposite him, to on the chair right beside him.

I opened the file to full screen, zooooomed in on the words. So that he could read them himself.

His lengthy fingers pointed at the screen at where he wanted me to edit.

plaintive ˈpleɪntɪv/

adjective

1. sounding sad and mournful.

"a plaintive cry"

synonyms:mournful, sad, wistful, doleful, pathetic, pitiful, piteous, melancholy, melancholic, sorrowful, unhappy, wretched, woeful, grief-stricken, broken-hearted, heartbroken, desolate, heart-rending, forlorn, woebegone, disconsolate;

How ignorant of me to think that Kor spelt 'palliative (care)' wrongly. Cause he spelt it funnily with a '(?)' when he typed it for the first time.

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I kinda remember this happening on two occasions, on two different nights. My memory is blurry. I couldn't remember if we finished editing the article.

I have an impression we did though. For I (kinda) remember a tint of sourness when I reached the end. "That's all you wrote, Kor." I kinda remember saying.

But I have no recollection of his reaction. Probably an "oh okay." Or he became tired and decided to sleep.

I don't remember how that night ended. I hope it wasn't a panic attack. I'm quite sure it wasn't.

I'm not sure if the article ended. It looks too short by his standards. But it kinda looks completed, with a proper closure.

He didn't tell me where or how to post it.

We didn't touch it anymore.

For a long time, the Word doc stayed open on my Mac.

It still is. It's the last thing he wrote...

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I'll post it up soon... somehow... I would... I need figure how.